A Plague Upon Your Family Page 12

  “Still here,” I said.

  “Besides, how’s he getting to where he’s going, his Jeep is gone,” BT continued.

  “We’re going to get him a new car in Kansas City.”

  “Guys, what is this, the ghost of Christmas past? I’m still here,” I said.

  “Oh, just perfect, shouldn’t be any zombies in a major city. We can just stop off at the local Chevy dealer and go pick up a Geo or something,” BT scowled.

  “I was really hoping for a GMC or something along those lines,” I intoned. I hadn’t been this ignored since Tracy thought I was cheating on her. All those declarations had fallen to the ground like leaves on a crisp fall day. “It would be great if it had an extended cab too. Maybe a roof rack, oh shit and a gun rack. It would be great if it also had different climate controls. That way when Tracy is cold and she wants to turn the heat on to the ‘melt’ setting, I won’t need to take my clothes off.”

  Alex turned around. “Mike, what the fuck are you talking about?”

  BT was looking at me too like I had lost my fucken mind. BT’s next words threw me for a loop. “I’m going with you, Mike.”

  Alex turned back around. “BT, what the fuck are you talking about?”

  Now it was my and Alex’ turn to look at BT like he had lost his damn mind.

  Paul decided that it was in this maelstrom that he should throw his penny and a half in. “Mike, I’ve been meaning to talk to you…”

  And then it dawned on me. Paul and Erin’s families were both in North Carolina, right along the path Alex would need to take to get to Florida. I don’t know why I was having such a difficult time digesting this information. Was I such a selfish person that I felt that everybody should be wrapped up in the same things I was? Shit, I hadn’t spent more than two seconds thinking about what anybody else would want to do. I just ass-umed my mission was theirs.

  “I’m going with Mike!” Jen thrust forward, like we were back in gym class and she didn’t want to wait to get picked last and possibly placed on a team she didn’t like.

  “Wait, this isn’t about choosing sides,” I started.

  “I’m going with Alex,” April whispered. “I don’t want to be near him anymore,” as she pointed towards Justin. “He gives me the creeps.”

  “Stop,” I said without much force. “This isn’t about choosing sides. We’re all individuals, just because we’ve been thrust into this nightmare together doesn’t mean we have to stay that way.”

  “Ever seen Friday the 13th?” Tommy asked enigmatically.

  Nobody paid much heed to his words except for me. The meaning was exceptionally strong. It was always the individuals that went off alone to check the circuit breakers in the basements that quickly found themselves suspended above the floor pierced in some ungodly manner in a particularly vulnerable area.

  I would not let BT, Paul, Alex or even Ryan deter me from my desired goal. I knew Tracy silently prayed that I would not stray from the predetermined course. Sure, she could make my life an even more special living hell if I were to not attempt to rescue her mom, but in the end she would have to go as I did. I don’t know who was kidding whom though. She had had my balls wrapped up in wax paper since the day we got married. On occasion she would bring them out and let me stare longingly at them but as for who wore the pants in the family? Let’s just say, I was President Bush to her Dick Cheney.

  The ride into Kansas City was a somber one. It seemed that everyone was lost in their own thoughts of these new developments. Even the outgoing Tommy was silent. His Aunt Marta had made it clear in no uncertain terms that he was supposed to go with her. There was no doubt after that conversation who had emerged the victor. Tommy sat up in the cab with Alex and myself to avoid the brow beating being administered by the defeated Marta, so much for losing graciously. But let’s be fair, this wasn’t about an MLB game, even if it might be the Red Sox against the Yankees. The stakes were as high as they could get, life or death. Some might argue that there were higher stakes, possibly your eternal soul if you were so inclined, but really? I had a sneaky suspicion we had already failed God’s ultimate test and were already experiencing his wrath.

  Tommy hadn’t eaten a Pop-Tart in nearly an hour. I knew he was upset. I was about to start a conversation with him when he beat me to the punch.

  “Hey Mr. T, I don’t think going to get Mrs. T’s mom is such a good idea.”

  It felt like ice cubes were being dragged down my spine. Alex looked over to gauge my response, a small surge of hope flaring in his eyes.

  “Mike, dude, just come with us, you know the odds of one old woman surviving.”

  The remnants of the chill still dripped down my back. I struck back with a punch I knew would close the door on this conversation. “What if it was Marta asking you to get her mother?” Yeah I knew it was a low blow but if he harangued me for much longer I would have caved. Tommy’s one-liners were more than enough ammunition to realize the folly of what I was attempting.

  “Not cool, Mike,” Alex finished with a hurt look on his face.

  I nodded in assentation. “Sorry.”

  “I understand.”

  “Hey Uncle Alex, do you want to get off at the next exit?” Tommy asked.

  The phrase was asked as a question but the intent was not. Alex got off at the next exit. Within a half mile of our exit, my horror mounted to near epic proportions. Tommy was smiling ear to ear as Alex pulled into a used mini-van car lot.

  “No!” I cried. “There has got to be something else.”

  Alex was nearly full on laughing. “Oh bendejo, you have a growing family now, you’re going to need something big enough to accommodate them all.”

  “Oh this sucks!” I yelled. My worst nightmare in life was coming to fruition. “You did this shit on purpose,” I said pointing to Tommy. He paid me little heed as he unwrapped a S’mores Pop-Tart.

  Tracy was first out of the truck at the sounds of my dismay. Her concern quickly melted away to merriment as she looked around at her surroundings. “Ah, so the beast has finally been tamed.”

  I would have dropped to my knees and cried to the heavens if I thought I could get back up. Within twenty minutes we had two mini-vans loaded with our meager supplies and passengers. Mine was a brilliant teal color with faux wood paneling, the mere sight of which brought the scant contents of my stomach churning up into my throat. Brendon didn’t seem nearly as distressed as he got behind the wheel of his gray-greenish piece of… minivan. Is there anything more emasculating than driving a mini-van? Maybe riding bitch on a Harley while your wife drives, but that’s really about it. I had thought that BT would have wanted to drive one of the vans, but he mumbled something about having lost his license. I really couldn’t see him being all that concerned about getting a ticket for that infraction. No, I got the distinct impression from the way he reacted when I asked him if he wanted to drive, that he didn’t know how to. I could potentially see why, probably wasn’t a car made that would accommodate his frame between the seat and the steering wheel.

  Saying our goodbyes had me rethinking my strategy all over again.

  Marta solemnly walked over to Tommy and reached up to cup his face in her hands. I could see her lips moving, but couldn’t hear what was said. Tommy enveloped her in a gentle bear hug, then released her and stepped away. Marta turned back toward the truck, moving stiffly like an old woman.

  I turned to my friend, my compadre. “Goodbye Alex,” I said, holding onto a stiff upper lip.

  Alex had no such compunction as he openly wept and moved in for a giant hug. This is fully appropriate behavior according to the Man Code. (I looked it up.) “Good luck Mike,” he said as he sniffed his nose, wiped his eyes and quickly climbed up into the cab of the truck.

  It was all I could do to get out “You too,” before he shut the door.

  Erin was next, she was crying more than Alex, but she wasn’t under the constraints of the Man Code. “Mike, thank you for everything. Without you and y
our family we would have never made it.” I wanted to answer with ‘It was nothing.’ But my boys had risked everything to save them and I was unsure still if Justin was ever truly coming back. She openly wept as Paul came up to me.

  He gave me the ‘secret’ handshake we had developed long ago in our days at college, the classic handshake followed by the forearm grasp and then the finger curl clasp immediately culminating in a hug. “It was a great ride, Mike.”

  Tears welled up in my eyes. “The best, Paul.” And that was it, I never found out what happened to any of them as I watched them depart. I will always hold fast in my heart that they safely made it to their respective destinations and lived out the rest of their days in as much happiness as could be afforded them. Tommy cried as the big rig pulled away. His look was one of regret. I couldn’t tell if it was because he was staying with me or because of what would befall the departing group. I would never ask for an answer. I didn’t want to know, any answer he gave me would be nothing I wanted to hear. We all stayed an extra minute longer, way past when the last remnants of the truck vanished over a small rise. Maybe we expected they would have a change of heart and come with us. It didn’t happen.

  CHAPTER 14 Journal Entry Thirteen

  “Alright,” I said looking at a little map I had got off the salesman’s desk. “I do not want to go into the city itself, but according to the Yellow Pages there’s a sporting goods store a few miles up the road. I want to try and bolster up our arsenal, get some rounds and hopefully some dehydrated food stores or whatever we can muster.”

  Brendon was getting antsy. Being around this many buildings with so many hiding spots had us all a little on edge. Without the comfort of the rolling tank, that unease was even more magnified. “Do you think they’re going to have anything left? I mean everyone must have had the same idea.”

  “How much of a chance did we have to get to the store?” I asked.

  “I see your point.”

  The plague had hit so hard and so fast, most were caught ill-prepared to deal with it. Only the truly paranoid had received even the slightest chance of survival. I laughed a little internally, even if we as a species somehow eked out a niche of survival we would be hard pressed to flourish, so mistrustful would be the survivors we would never go out and seek others. In the end we would all still die, suspicious and alone.

  Tracy, Tommy, Henry, Travis, Jen and I climbed into my Terrible Teal machine. Brendon, Nicole, Justin, and BT hopped into the second.

  It was approaching dusk as we rolled up into the sporting goods store parking lot. No one had left a light on for us. The black was as pitch as it could get. As human beings we are inherently built to fear the dark. That is why our ancestors harnessed the use of fire to chase away ‘the demons.’ The night was scary enough when we just ‘thought’ that there were monsters roaming around. Now that the abnormal was the normal, well you can imagine that our imaginations were in overdrive. But really, how vivid did one’s visualization need to be, every magnificent horror was now a reality. There was nothing left to the imagination. All of this ran through my mind as I tried in utter vain to peer into the near inky obsidian that was the interior of the store.

  “I’m going to get out and see if I can scope out the inside of the store,” I said, hoping that someone would say we should wait until the morning. Nobody fucking did. Fuckers. I opened the door to the minivan, still pissed that this was my new ride. I would have slammed the door closed in frustration but I didn’t want to give anything nearby an excuse to come investigate. Well mostly that, but partly I thought the piece of shit door might fall off too. I’d be damned if I drove around in a zombie infested world without a door. That would be like peeling back the lid on a can of spam in Hawaii. Except for the silent purring engines on two minivans (sarcasm – it sounded more like some cats and a large bag of batteries had been placed in a dryer) the night was still. Deathly still. (Well you knew that was coming). I got as far away from the vans as I felt was prudently wise, straining my ears to hear any errant sound. But that really is a misnomer though, how the hell does one ‘strain’ their ears? It’s not like you can flex them, you can’t ‘listen’ any harder. I guess what I was doing was concentrating harder on listening. My wife would have been so proud.

  Nothing, I heard nothing. Yet I wasn’t relieved. The quiet was somehow more disturbing. With sound, there would be something to focus on. Without the benefit of a séance I was wildly free to speculate on any number of things. I placed my face up against the cool plate glass window, cupping my hands on the side of my eyes and straining my best to see something. See previous section on ‘straining,’ I had about the same results. Nothing. So this is where in a low budget movie something slams into the glass on the other side, startling the shit out of the hero/heroine and the audience. Don’t be fooled, being there in real life, I FULLY expected that to be the case. I was pleasantly surprised to not have to suffer that little truism.

  BT and Travis had both exited the minivan. I jumped a little when they opened their doors. I hoped that it wasn’t too obvious that I might have released my bladder at that moment. I tried to hang on to my dignity.

  “Anything?” BT shouted.

  His booming voice reverberated off the glass. “Well there wasn’t but there might be now,” I answered peevishly.

  “What!” he yelled back.

  “Grab the tire iron!” I yelled back.

  Travis was coming towards me as BT was rummaging in the back of the van looking for the tire iron.

  “Got it!” BT yelled back triumphantly.

  “Dude, stop yelling!” I screeched. ‘Lead by example, breathe’.

  “Oh right!” he yelled as he came towards me. The giant man silhouetted in the headlights, approaching me with a pistol in one hand and a tire iron in the other, was the stuff of most horror novels. I lamented that this most pedestrian theme was NOT the cause of all our desolation.

  “What are you planning on doing with this?” BT asked as he handed me the tool.

  I tapped the glass, in response.

  “Oh,” BT said as he backed away a pace or two.

  I was lining up my shot, doing my best to shield my eyes from flying glass, and my ears from the fulminating noise. But again you can’t really do much there. God didn’t deign that we should have ear lids, although how cool would that be. However, the boon might also be a curse. Can you imagine that as guys we could ACTUALLY turn off our significant others’ diatribes? The problem though, would be not only would they suspect that we weren’t listening, but with our ear flaps closed, they would also have visual proof. Okay not one of my better ideas.

  “Dad,” Travis said matter of factly. I stopped in mid-swing. Although if this was baseball, my check swing would have been called a strike as my forward momentum brought the tire iron to a gentle tapping on the window. “Door’s open.”

  “Yup, I knew that,” I said handing the tire iron back to BT. “Tracy!” I yelled over my shoulder.

  “Yeah, yeah, I know the drill,” she said as she slid out of her bucket seat and into mine. After a few seconds of adjusting the seat and the steering wheel to her liking she gave me the universal sign for A-OK, two thumbs up.

  “Aren’t you going to adjust the mirrors?” I asked her. She gave me another universal sign, this one not quite so pleasant.

  I took a deep breath. I was pulling on all of my reserves of intestinal fortitude to go through that door. BT was behind me and Travis was bringing up the rear. I took one more long pull of the piercing air. Tommy brushed past me and in.

  “Where the hell did he come from?” BT asked incredulously.

  “I guess it’s safe,” I said as I followed him into the black midst.

  I stopped less than two steps in from the doorway, not for fear or some innate prescience. I just couldn’t see a damn thing. I had no desire to be skewered by a ski pole, or walk nuts first into a dumbbell display. I could hear Tommy walking around like he had a floor plan. I was tempted to f
ollow in his assured sounding footfalls.

  BT nearly sent me sprawling as he walked into my back. “Sorry my man. Where’s the kid?”

  “Shit BT, I’d be lucky if I could tell where my hand is.” Both BT and myself turned to look at the same instance. Whether we thought the same thing I’m not sure, but BT’s expression of awe left little doubt. Tommy was lit up like the Archangel Michael come to seek vengeance on a wicked world. As our eyes adjusted to the radiance it became clear that Tommy was merely holding a battery powered Coleman lantern. I shook my head in consternation, I will swear to my dying days that for the briefest of seconds there was more to it than that. I wanted to ask BT but I think he’d deny it, hell I’m not even sure what I saw and I was there.

  “Found some coconut roasted marshmallows!” Tommy said as he stuffed another handful into his mouth.

  “Did you hear him open a bag?” BT asked.

  “I’m really trying to stop wondering what the kid does BT, it gives me a headache.”

  “Yeah, I hear that.”

  Within twenty minutes, everyone was in the store in the far left corner. We had a bunch of lanterns lit. We even had a couple of tents pitched. Tommy thought that was the coolest thing since the marshmallows. We propped (well BT did) a half-ton of weights by the front door so it couldn’t open. But the Vona sheriff’s office was still fresh in everyone’s mind. I parked one van by the front door and the second by the emergency exit in the rear. Worst case scenario we would have to cram into one van for a while. If there was a just God in the universe we would get to leave the Terrible Teal machine behind.

  Thankfully we were in Missouri and not some neo-fascist state like New York. We had more guns and ammo to choose from than we would ever be able to carry. If not for the huge plate glass windows in front I would have put my two cents in on why we should hunker down here until the spring.

  Food, while not of the high cuisine type, was plentiful. There was an unbelievable assortment of dried meats, including ostrich. Which as funny as it sounds did not taste like chicken, it was frikken horrible. There were dried food packets of every conceivable concoction including Thanksgiving Dinner readily available. We busted a bunch of those open and had a small feast so to speak. It wasn’t quite the Indians and the Pilgrims but we were thankful to be alive and with each other. Unfortunately there were no dried beer packets or an NFL game on to accompany our meal. The boys grabbed some bows and arrows and some of the clothing dummies and had a blast shooting at something that didn’t necessarily want to eat you. Even Justin perked up more than I had seen out of him in a few days. It was a welcome respite.