A Plague Upon Your Family zf-2 Read online

  She resorted to less than honorable tactics. She started tickling him. Tommy’s face turned a bright crimson. His laughing shined everything around him. The minivan swayed down the highway as his bulk thrashed back and forth in a vain attempt to get away from her ministrations.

  “Alright…alright.” He croaked out in between laborious inhalations of breath. When he had hesitated for a fraction more of a second longer than Tracy was willing to tolerate, she started up again. I felt for the kid, if he had been older I would have feared his heart wouldn’t be able to take much more. “I’ll tell!” He squealed. Snot, tears and chocolate goo coalesced in a pool on his shirt as he fought to regain control. On anyone else that would have been the most disgusting sight I had seen, on Tommy it was merely endearing. “Aw I messed up my Star Wars shirt.” Tommy said as he looked down at his belly.

  “Tommy!” Tracy shouted as she held her hand up high in a claw like fashion, ready to strike and do more damage.

  “Ok, ok stop, but my shirt.” Tracy’s hand got higher. “Your mom likes Jeff Daniels.”

  “Jack” I said

  He looked over towards me. “That’s what I said.”

  Tracy looked over at me pissed that I was helping Tommy stall. I might be a big bad Marine but I’m as ticklish as a puppy. If she started that crap with me, this minivan would be cart-wheeling down the roadway in about ten seconds. “We’re good.” I said holding up my hands.

  She redirected towards Tommy, convinced that I would no longer interfere with her. She was right.

  “Ryan said your mom likes Jeff Daniels!” He yelled out before Tracy could descend back on him.

  She sat back down hard in her seat, a look of bafflement, relief and wonderment across her face. After long seconds of processing the information she turned back towards Tommy.

  “You sure?” She asked querulously.

  Tommy beamed. No answer was necessary at that point.

  “Ryan said my mom likes Jack Daniels?” Tracy reiterated, nearly sobbing.

  “Yep Jeff Daniels.”

  “Jack.” I said adding my penny and a half.

  “That’s what I said.” Tommy said looking at me through the mirror like I had lost my marbles. The earnest way that he was looking at me made me wonder if maybe he had said Jack and I was slowly going insane. Okay so ‘slowly’ would probably be the wrong descriptor, something along the lines of breaking the speed of light might be more apt.

  My eyebrows knitted of their own volition. “Tracy what did Tommy say?” I needed help.

  “Oh Mike he said my mom was alright.” Now she was full on crying.

  Now whether Tommy had said Jack or Jeff was open to debate, but not once did he say Carol Yentas was okay. Sure it was implied. Dead people don’t really like anything except maybe staying dead. I’d be damned though if I was going to be the one that pissed on her cheerios, rained on her parade, took a dump on her tulips, whatever. We had a glimmer of hope in a sea of somberness. The home team needed a win and right now Tommy was pitching a gem. Tracy fairly bounced in her seat the remaining hour of our journey. I could tell she was wavering with bouts of happiness and fits of caution. It is a tough thing to open one’s self to the prospect of something happening that is beyond the belief of what is expected and then once you attain that state of inner balance to have what you hoped for ripped from you.

  To get the full effect of this analogy, just for a moment consider yourself a huge, NO HUGE Red Sox fan (like me) and it is the magical year of the lord nineteen hundred and eighty six and it is game six, the Sox are ONE FUCKING OUT from winning the World Series, something you never expected to see in your lifetime. You suck Babe Ruth! A dribbler, a DRIBBLER is hit up the first base line. I had literally along with all my friends popped that bottle of champagne. Cold liquor was bubbling all over my hand as I watched in disbelief as the ball went through BILLY BUCKNER’S legs. I had never known up to that point in life what getting a dream crushed felt like. It was something akin to running over rabbits with a lawn mower. Blood, fur and bone bits everywhere, yep it was pretty much like that. So I’m basically saying that I could empathize with her, in a roundabout way.

  The rural road that led up to Carol’s, was for the mini-van, nearly impassable. It had seen some random traffic and if I kept the speed low enough I could follow in the barely visible grooves some other traveler had made. On two occasions some gentle bumper pushing from Jen had got me out of some deeper furrows.

  “Maybe we should let Jen go first, she can make a better trail for us hon.”

  Tracy’s unspoken look of ‘Not a fucking chance’ shut me up.

  When we got to 7 Washburn Road, we were met with a sea of white. An unbroken blanket of snow a foot deep, it might as well have been a moat, there was no way this car was getting through it. The old Victorian style house was set a good two hundred yards off the roadway but even from here it was impossible to not see the blotches of crimson that dotted the yard.

  “Talbot is that blood?” Tracy asked. We both saw the giant dream-crushing boot hovering over us. “Where are the bodies?”

  “My guess is under the snow.” My thoughts however traveled a little darker. I figured that they had got what they came for and had long since left. Tracy had started to fumble with the door lock. “What’re you doing?”

  “I’m going up there.” She said matter-of-factly. “I’ve got to see what happened.” She gulped.

  “Hold on. You can’t walk up there. That snows at least a foot deep if something or somebody is still here you’ll never be able to run for it. We’ll hop in the back of Jen’s truck.”

  Within a minute we had armed ourselves and got into the back of the truck. My concern lied in the fact of how was I going to pick up Tracy’s pieces of broken soul when she discovered her mother was gone. Oh and gone I hoped she was. If we found her eaten body or worse yet her as zombie, I didn’t know how the Talbots would be able to muster on. The cold reddened Tracy’s features but even that couldn’t compare to the red in her eyes. Tommy was busy wetting his fingertips and smoothing back an invisible cowlick, as if trying to make himself presentable. Well of all the signs he could be portraying that was one of the better ones. As we jostled our way up the yard, I wasn’t convinced we were still on the driveway as the splashes of blood became more pronounced. But it wasn’t just blood, I noticed a boot sticking up in one of the piles. In another was an outstretched hand. It sort of reminded me of a sapling struggling for light. I would have shot it if I really thought it was going to take root.

  One thing I could tell was, there hadn’t really been a battle here. Some of the bodies had been out for a lot longer than the others. There was one that aside from a tuft of hair sticking up, I would have never known was there. The blood had been completely covered with subsequent snowfall. A few were fresh, and that could only mean one thing, there was something here worth trying to eat.

  My sight was brought to the fore by movement. Someone had arisen out of a chair and was standing on the porch and even from this distance I could tell that they had one mean mother of a breech-loading shotgun at the ready.

  Tracy shocked me as she yelled out. “Mom!?”

  I wanted to say something about her giving us away but the roar of the truck engine as it struggled to cut through the snow could probably be heard for miles in this new, quiet world. Come to think of it, I was never ever going to miss the sound of a jackhammer at 7:33 in the morning on a Saturday. The shape of the person on the porch had the consistency of someone’s grandmother but the majority of my focus was on that ten-gauge shotgun. We were close enough that if that person started to shoot slugs we’d be able to count ourselves among the other lawn ornaments.

  I banged on the roof of the truck for Jen to stop.

  She looked out her window. “What’s up Mike?”

  “Stop the truck and kill the engine.” I told her.

  “You sure that’s a good idea?” She asked.

  “Nope.” I answered truthful
ly, the truck engine simmered to a stop. The pinging of the heated motor the only sound to break up the muffled day.

  “Mom?!” Tracy yelled out again.

  Nothing, no response. Only the steady unwavering double barrel of a large caliber shotgun. After a few seconds the barrel dipped imperceptibly.

  “Tracy?!” Came the tremulous reply.

  That was it. Tracy was down off the bed of the truck and running at full tilt. Which really wasn’t all that fast when you’re knee deep in snow. I banged on the roof of the truck again.

  “Wagon’s forward!” I yelled and gestured. Don’t ask me why, seemed like the right thing to do at the time. Tracy was PISSED OFF when we passed her on by, and even more so when Jen had nearly blocked off the entire porch entrance. As she caught up to us, her passing glance was so cold it burned my face.

  “Mike?” Carol asked.

  “Hey mom.” I said as I jumped down off the bed of the truck.

  Tracy had rushed full tilt into her mother’s arms, there was some crying and sobbing and some general tear jerking and I think that Carol and Tracy might have also blubbered, wasn’t sure, couldn’t see through the haze of salty water. Must have sat on my keys again.

  I joined in the small huddle, God she smelled like chocolate chip cookies, how do Grandmother’s do that? “We brought you something.” I told her. “It’s Jeff Daniels.” I said needlessly, the shape of the paper bag gave away the contents. Kind of like trying to gift wrap a bike, why bother.

  “Jack Daniels?” Carol asked.

  Tommy had come down off the truck and was watching the reunion. “That’s what he said.” With a tone that implied we all must have gone over the edge.

  Carol gasped as she looked at Tommy. “You’re the one from my dreams.”

  Tommy looked perplexed. “I’m not sure I know what you’re talking about Gran Y.” He said.

  “Sure you do. You’re the one that likes those little flavored shingles in the foil packs.”

  Tommy looked aghast. “Pop-tarts aren’t shingles Gran Y.”

  I thought I was going to have to catch Carol from falling when she saw all three kids.

  “Oh my God! I prayed for this day! I never thought that you would all make it.” She was openly crying. Yeah I was too, so sue me. “Come here! Come here!” she motioned to them all. Our group huddle was ungainly, but it felt so right.

  “Oh my God, mom, we never thought...” Tracy hitched.

  “Me?” Carol laughed. I’m too tough an old bird for them. Not sure if they even got by Big Bertha here.” She said shaking her shotgun. “That they’d even want me.” She laughed again. “I’ve spent damn near my entire life on this farm. I’m as tough as the soil daddy used to try and cull crops from.” She laughed again.

  I couldn’t help myself. I hugged her again. I was having a heavy estrogen flow day.

  “You smell just like cookies.” I told her out loud.

  “That’s because I’m making some. Don’t look so surprised, Tommy told me you were coming. Of course, I didn’t believe him at first. I thought it might be the onset of advanced Alzheimer’s or maybe schizophrenia or maybe even just plain old loneliness but I figured what the hell, might as well be ready. Oh and by the way Tommy.” She said stopping to look at him.

  Had we told her his name? I didn’t think so.

  Carol continued. “I didn’t have any gummy bears to put in with the chocolate chips.”

  Tommy handed her a bag of gummy bears from his pocket. Was it coincidence? Now Tommy is usually a walking pantry to begin with but he didn’t even hesitate when he reached into one of his many hidden storage compartments.

  Carol took the bag as if she had been expecting this. “Great I’ll put them in with the next batch.”

  “You have power Carol?” I asked her.

  “Gotta be pretty self sufficient when you live this far in the outskirts. See any power lines, city boy. The generator is in the barn.”

  I waited until she went back into the house before I did a complete 360 scan of the area. No poles. I did a little happy dance as I realized I was going to take a hot shower tonight.

  “What’s the matter Talbot?” BT asked as Jen and Travis helped him up the steps. “Gotta pee.”

  Except for being a few shades paler than he oughta be. The big man looked pretty good. This was turning out to be a pretty good fucking day and I was about to eat some chocolate chip cookies!

  Tommy was already through the door. I could hear mock slapping as Carol was trying to shoo him away from her cookie sheet.

  “Wait until I at least get them off the tray, you’ll burn yourself.” Carol shouted at him. Tommy hovered over her like a News helicopter at a crash scene.

  Seeing her grandmother had reignited a spark within Nicole’s eyes. The sadness was still there but it had been layered over a little, with love. And that was how people survived. They moved on. The bleeding, gaping wound, slowly became infused with coagulants and then the bleeding would trickle to a stop. The flesh would scab over and slowly begin to knot itself together and eventually the scab would fall off leaving fresh shiny puckered skin. That would in time eventually fade to a scar. It would be something you would be able to remember the pain of your entire life and you would always have the reminder. But it no longer consumed the resources of the body anymore to heal it.

  The smiles around the kitchen table, as we devoured first that sheet and then another sheet of cookies with the surprisingly good taste of gummy bears mixed in, renewed my faith. My faith in what? God, humanity, survival, just plain old cookies, I wasn’t sure, but I wasn’t going to question it. If I didn’t have another ultimate destination in mind I could have seen myself spending the rest of my days in this loving household. And then it struck me, why should I drag my family still another 1500 hundred miles across the country. And for what? There was no guarantee that any of my family survived. Carol survived though and if she could do it, then so could they. But she’s in rural North Dakota, not much happened here when everybody was alive. Yeah and my family is in rural Maine. If I could Google it, I’d bet the populations were similar.

  Not knowing what had happened to my family weighed heavily but the thought of exposing my immediate family into even more danger to satisfy my curiosity was not an option.

  I grabbed Tracy’s hand and took her in to the living room.

  “I think we should just stay here Trace.”

  Her look questioned me, but I could see the excitement beyond “Are you sure Mike. I know how much you want to get back home.”

  “I think maybe we are home.”

  She hugged me fiercely, her leg crushing into my pilfered bottle of Viagra stashed in my pants pocket.

  “You happy to see me Mike?” She asked with a smile.

  “I sure as hell could be.” I answered her. She smacked me. We headed back into the kitchen. Her first and then me after some slight man parts adjusting. At least the momentary estrogen flood hadn’t completely emasculated me.

  After a bunch more laughing and eating I went out to the porch. I would like to say that I had to loosen my belt because of the meal. These last few weeks stripped any fat reserves I had stored. I looked down the yard at the minivan wondering how many trips was it going to take to get everything up here. I also wasn’t thrilled with the prospect of leaving it down there either. It looked too much like an invitation.

  I heard a burst of merriment as Carol opened up the door to join me on the porch.

  “I can’t tell you what a wonderful thing you’ve done here Mike.” She said.

  “We had to come and see if you were alright mom.”

  “That’s not what I’m talking about, and I think you know it.” I wanted to protest, it might have rang hollow though. “I mean bringing my daughter and my grandkids to me, alive and safe.” I started to speak. “Hush, I know what you’re going to say. But most people didn’t feel like it was what they had to do Mike. A good number of folks turned their guns on their kin rather th
an stand and fight.” I looked at her in bewilderment. “No Mike you didn’t HAVE to do anything but you did. You know when Tracy first married you, I wondered what the hell she saw in you.”

  “Don’t hold back on my account.”

  “Oh I won’t. To be fair, you’re a looker but I wasn’t sure of your character.”

  “Holy shit Carol is this a pep talk?”

  “Hush I’m not done talking yet.”

  “Can you at least bust open that bottle of Jeff?” I asked her

  From somewhere deep inside the house I heard Tommy yell ‘Jack’.

  “You always seemed nuttier than a pecan pie to me.”

  “Oh this is just getting better and better.” I took a long pull from the Daniels that she handed me.

  “But when Nicole was born and I saw how you were with her. I thought I might have made a mistake about you.”

  “Great.” I took another swig.

  “Now stop! That’s not an easy thing for me to admit. You know Tracy is my only child and I damn near lost her at childbirth. So I only wanted what was best for her and at the time I didn’t think that was you. But I watched you with Nicole. She stripped away your East coast sarcasm and your ill temper towards the world. You loved her like no other ever could. The father’s pride that beamed in your eyes every time you held her, that alone made me realize my error. I’ve seen you with all your kids Mike and I know that you would do whatever it took to make sure that each and every one of them was safe. And for that Mike I’m sorry that I ever doubted you. But if you take one more swig off my bottle like the last one, I’m taking it all back.”

  I handed her the bottle back, I had actually taken a fair hit against the contents. I felt a little bad but it was rapidly becoming covered over with the warm tingly feeling of a buzz.

  “What are you two doing out here?” Tracy asked, donning her coat.

  “Reminiscing.” I told her.

  “Reminiscing huh? How much of that paint thinner have you had Mike?” My wife asked me.

  “More than he should have.” Carol said, holding the bottle up.